Messy

I'm taking a leaf out of M. Tahmasian's book here and just writing without worrying too much about editing, or having it make sense. It's getting back to the spirit of a freewrite - it doesn't matter if it's eloquent or even very sensical (if nonsensical is a word, how come sensical isn't?), it just matters that you write. Get it out. 

Sometimes I talk too much. A lot of the time I think too much.

I think about you a lot - far too much for someone who's supposed to be over you. But that's not right; I don't think about you too much, I feel you too much. You can erase someone from your mind, from your thoughts. Getting them out of your heart is another story. And that's just it. You're a story written on my heart and no matter how hard I try or what I use, I cannot erase or destroy you. Even if that was actually what I wanted. 

Because I don't want to forget you, I just want the memory of you not to sabotage me. Some days I'm happy you're gone; it's opened a place in my heart and mind for others. I've had a fire lit under me that is making me burn to connect with others, to find those that could be who I thought you were all along; friends, companions, confidants, lovers. All stable - constants in my life. That's what I'm really yearning for; constancy. Someone who can see who I really am, deep down into me and say, "yes, this is where I want to be - with you". Other days I see your name pop up on my computer screen and want to throw it across the room. Instead, I just mutter obscenities under my breath or list all the ways in which you were a disease in my life. It's these days that I realize how much my heart really hurts. Because on these days I know that, even with all the negative, I'd most likely jump at the opportunity to make things right again. These are the days when I know that I don't hate you; I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be. On these days I realize just how much I miss those moments. We don't remember days, we remember moments.

You should have opened your eyes - I was crazy for you.

How can you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? You're not very easy to forget.

Because Counting Crows will always remind me of you - his raspy voice sends me back to that sunny day in your car when I heard it for the first time. And Five For Fighting always makes me nostalgic and sad. And I couldn't tell you why, except that a song of theirs always seems to follow a Counting Crows song. But that's ok because most times I'd rather be somber than angry at you. And whenever I see a red Audi convertible, my hair remembers getting tangled by the lively wind, my lungs remember laughing until there was no air left, and my mind remembers racing with new ideas to consider and more significant looks to analyze. I can't think of LA without thinking of the day we spent on the beach, or southern Overland park without remembering all our old haunts. Art and coffee and broken curfews will always stir up memories of moments we shared.

With the memories come the tears. They walk hand-in-hand these days. I hope someday Tears will find someone else with whom to spend their time and I will be able to look back on these things with warmth in my heart. 

Saudade is a Portuguese word that describes the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love which is lost or in the past. Rather than being a verb, it is a noun and expresses a more intense state of emotion than the usual translation of "missing". It's a beautiful word and more eloquently describes that deeper feeling of "missing" someone. I hope that soon I won't understand it quite as well as I do these days.

You are not easy to forget.

I really enjoy the melancholy once and a while; it makes you think. And lately I find myself musing about love. Not too surprising, all things considered.

These days it's a different kind of thinking though. It's less frivolous, more wary. The idealism remains, perhaps foolishly, and the longing is still there - oh yes, the longing. But these things are kept closer to my heart, further from the contaminating fingers of the world. I still desire to give love and yearn to have that love be returned but I am sadder, more reserved. Perhaps I should teach myself how to be more cautious.

Here's the thing: I find it's really easy for me to fall for someone. I can identify in many some of the qualitites for which I'm searching. The trouble is getting them to fall for me, too. Because, you see, I'm just not the kind of girl guys fall in love with.

I wish finding someone to love you was easier. But, I guess, would it mean as much then?