Unfocused

The last time I based a post about the design of my blog, it was a hit. So I'm going for it again. It also has a little bit of dream in it too.

Everything is fuzzy. I feel as though I can't really see anything clearly anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted, knew what I was doing. But it's pretty clear that I was wrong; that's the only thing that's clear these days.

I showed up here with a set path. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and how I was going to do it, at least up to the point of graduation. I showed up so focused, so set on where I was going. But someone pulled a sheet over my eyes when I wasn't paying attention. The ground that once was crystal clear is now a blurry opaque. I kept walking, thinking maybe I'd get somewhere. But it appears I've been walking in circles. They said I'd change, they were right; I hardly recognize myself these days.

Looking around I realize that there's not a sheet over my eyes like I thought. I'm standing in a glass box. The glass is foggy and obscure and everything around me in unclear; where I'm going, where I've been, even where I am. I keep turning in circles and the only thing I see, besides blurs of light and color, is my own reflection staring back at me. Except, she's not quite me. The expression on her face is ambiguous - is she confused? Mocking me? I can't tell. I look closer and she leans in with me. And then I realize what it is. She's scared. She's terrified and she doesn't want me to move on. She wants me to stay right here, in this glass box, where it's safe. So she entices me with thoughts and temptations that will keep me put: parties and booze, men and seduction, friendships and fun. That life, a life of glamor and excitement is alluring; no worries, just dancing and alcohol. But no, no I won't be tantalized by these lies anymore; those friendships are false, dancing an escape, alcohol a momentary bandage. Don't lie to me anymore. I'm done.

I look around at my surroundings again and I find myself standing at a fork in the road. Except this fork has many prongs - too many prongs. And none of them are very clear, my eyes are still unfocused. I can only discern vague outlines and colors of each of the different paths. There are so many ways I could go and I have no idea which one to choose. But look, there's something - a few paths. Their colors are brighter, stronger; their pathways straighter, better paved. I look to those paths.