Self-Indulgent Post

In which I just ramble on because I can't stop thinking tonight.

Sometimes I get all existential crisis-y. Tonight is one of those nights.

I feel as if everyone I know is very far away. Not in physical distance, but like there is an emotional chasm that I can't seem to cross. Like I am reaching out my arms to them and they are just beyond my fingertips. I can't decide if this is a good thing. On one hand, it causes me to turn in. Become self-reflective and introverted. I get a lot of my thinking done at times like this. I realize who I am and who I want to be, what I believe and what I don't believe. What I long for, what I dream for. On the other hand it's a very lonely time. I don't feel like I can connect to anyone. I want to be able to have deep and meaningful conversations, but nothing seems to work out. I feel unloved and undesirable.

I think I am a very selfish person.

It's weird to come back home. It puts everything into a strange perspective. The world has kept moving on in my absence; the roads have changed, there are different stores in the mall, my mother has a new job and my little brother has a girlfriend. My other brother just got engaged. My old bedroom, once yellow, is now painted gray, and my 21st birthday is just around the corner. Everything has changed and yet, nothing has.

I went to dinner with some old high school friends tonight. My ex-boyfriend was there as well as the boy I used to love. There were some people who were once good friends and others who I used to just put up with. They all managed to fall back into their old roles. My once-love was the center of attention and exuded charm and leadership. My good friends were all amiable and talkative. Those who annoyed me reminded me why. My ex was handsome and mysterious. It was like all these people has been put into time capsules. Yes, they were older and slightly different. They'd had new experiences and met new friends. They no longer held the most important places in my life. But I could see why they used to. And, with some, I wanted them to hold those places again. I wanted to hold my ex's hand. I wanted to hang out with my good friends. I wanted the attention and esteem of my once-love. So when we change, how much do we really?

Can anything ever really be how it used to be?