Running Scared

Loosely based on real events. Very loosely.

It was one of those memorable nights, the smiling moon and the cool night air setting the perfect scene. The question going around the bonfire was "What did you learn this year?" I couldn't think of anything else. I guess it was time to talk about it. It was my turn to answer; everyone was watching me. Ok, deep breath. It's now or never.

"So this past year, my best friend decided she no longer wanted to be my friend. And she left, just like that. No goodbyes, no explanations, nothing," I said, determined to keep a strong exterior. My heart pounded against my chest as I continued with my story. I tried to keep my tone light and the details vague; no one need know just how much this has affected me.

But then the truth takes over as it hits me. Here it comes. I've been hiding it for so long and it's finally done. I can't lie to these people. If I can't tell them the truth, who can I tell? It's time I let myself feel. So the truth came out through my lips and with it, a steady stream of tears. That much hurt buried for so long gains momentum; like a rock blocking a waterfall - eventually the water will build up so much that it will simply shoot the rock out of the way and crash down the fall with more strength and ferocity than before. You can only hide the truth for so long. And so I tell them; I weave for them a tapestry of the loss, the pain, the disabling fear, and the hurt of not being enough. And then I tell them what I learned - rather, what God had taught me. God had taught me that you mustn't put your faith in people. They will always disappoint you, no matter how wonderful and good they are. The only person you can trust to always be there for you is God himself.

"It was a hard way to learn the lesson, but it is a lesson worth learning." I stare into the fire and let the last tears fall as I wait for the response. The silence weighs down the air around me and I wait, afraid to even breathe.

"Listen," I hear someone start and look to see him speaking, "I love you," he says, his tone completely serious. Ok, I expected some interesting responses but...what?

"And I don't mean that in a cutesy 'oh let's be BFFs' way. I mean it in an I'd-take-a-bullet-for-you way. And I know that there are so many people here who feel the same." All right, that might be taking this a little too far.

"You are an astounding human being the likes of which aren't seen very often on this earth. Not to mention you're a sensational friend. Just because one (clearly insane) person decided not to be your friend, you shouldn't write yourself off. You're amazing and I for one would love nothing more than a friend like you."

Wow. I smiled shakily at him, then looked down at the ground. I didn't know how to process this. A few more people comment, most agreeing with him, but I didn't really pay too much attention. I was still absorbing everything that he just said. The question continues around the campfire and I sit and stare at the flames, lost in my own thoughts.

I wasn't prepared for that, it wasn't what I expected at all. I'd been so caught up in what I didn't have - that one friend - that I forgot all about what I did have and the people I could be friends with. And that those words - words of admiration that I couldn't believe were directed at me - should come from him, this wonderful young man who I barely knew, well, I didn't know how to handle that. How could anyone think so highly of me, especially someone I hardly know?

The fire is dying, and it's decided that we should head in for the night. It's well past 2 a.m. and we're all tired. I stand up and slowly brush off my jeans, not really aware of what's going on around me. I grab my blanket and look toward the house. Everyone's already halfway there - or, almost everyone.

"Hey..." he says, coming toward me.

"Yeah?" I say, trying to keep my composure. I don't know what to expect after the speech he just made. He's been surprising me all night.

"I just wanted to let you know," he begins, continuing to step closer, "that I meant everything I said. I know it's a little unorthodox, seeing as we don't know each other that well. But - I mean - I can't explain it, but I feel like I've known you my whole life. It doesn't make sense, but it's how I feel."

I can feel the blush rising in my cheeks and hope the firelight is too dim for him to notice. I concentrate on brushing off and folding my blanket so I don't have to look him in the eyes.

"I appreciate it," I say, "It's not easy to be honest like that." What am I saying? What kind of response is that?

"No," he says, taking the blanket out of my hands, "it wasn't easy. But that's because there were so many people around. I would've preferred to tell you in private. But I can't seem to get you alone. That is," he looked around, "until now."

He smiled at me, his eyes searching mine for their response. I can't imagine what they're saying, I'm feeling such a mess of emotions - vulnerability, fear, excitement. I think I know where this is going, but I don't know what I want to do about it. He's forbidden fruit.

"Yeah, it looks like it's just us and the wild animals," I joke, trying to keep the tone light.

He just looks at me, knowing that's not what I want to say. So I go for it.

"Thank you, for what you said earlier. I needed to hear it. And...well, it really meant a lot." My eyes well up again and a single tear runs down my cheek.

He gently wipes the tear from my cheek and then pulls me into a hug, his strong arms enfolding me, my cheek pressed to his chest. I don't know for how long the embrace lasts; I'm lost in the warmth of his body against mine.

After my tears subside, I pull away from him, but he puts his hands on either side of my face. He looks at me imploringly, and then pulls me closer so that our foreheads are touching. Suddenly, and inexplicably, I feel fear rise in my chest. I instinctively know that I'm not ready for whatever is coming next.

"I really, really like about you," he says, holding my gaze, "And I want to do something about that. I know this is all happening really fast, so if you need time to think, I understand. I just wanted you to know."

My heart is pounding in my chest, like it's trying to run away from my body, to run away from him.

"I - I don't know what to say."

"That's ok," he says warmly, "I know it's a lot to take in."

"No, I - well, I really care about you. I do. It's just - you're my best friend's cousin." How do I say this? "You're so wonderful, and I couldn't ask for anything better, I just - you're off limits. I can't do this. I'm sorry."

I take his hands from my face, grab the blanket and race away.

"Wait! Please - wait!" I hear behind me.

But I don't stop. I continue to stumble away, my tears blurring my sight. I get as far as my legs will go at a run, and slow down. When I get to the fence, I look back just once. He's still there, frozen by the glowing embers of the fire.