A New Look On Love

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a hopeless romantic. Pride and Prejudice is my favorite movie (and one of my favorite books), my idea of a perfect date consists of a poetry reading by the fireside and an elegant dinner, I love art, poetry, and music (most of which are inspired by, if not about, love), and I have been on a search for "The One" since I was 5. Disney princess movies still make me teary-eyed and I eat up any romantic-comedy books and movies I come across not matter how excellent or mediocre they may be.

But have all these movies and books, poems and songs, distorted our idea of what love truly is? How much do we lose from the true meaning of love when our definition is limited to that feeling you experience when you first fall for someone?

Perhaps first it would be beneficial to differentiate between "love" and being "in love". Being in love with someone suggests a romantic attachment whereas loving is used more freely – for relatives, friends, even things. This is the most basic difference between the two but it is worth noting; many people forget that they are two very separate things that do, at times, go hand-in-hand.

Most of the time, these two manifestations of love coincide quite harmoniously. Where the problem lies is in romantic relationships. In our relationships, we expect to always experience the warm, fuzzy feelings you have when you first fall in love, the emotion fed to us by Hollywood and literature. And for a time this will be the case – many refer to this as the “honeymoon stage” of a relationship. Inevitably, however, the newness of the relationship will wear off and the butterflies will disappear. This makes room for a deeper, more passionate love to grow. The trouble that arises then, when the lovers discover that they no longer feel the typical feelings of being in love and conclude that they no longer love their significant other at all. Or, perhaps, they get the warm fuzzies for another and decide that this must mean they do not really love their lover.

What they do not understand is that the love they have for their significant other has taken on a form that they do not recognize, but it is still very much present. The loss of the giddiness of new love is not a sign of the lack of love but of the growth and progression of it.

It is true that sometimes people fall out of love with each other. That is a fact of life that is as inexplicable and heartbreaking as it was at the beginning of time. However, if people could understand that love is about so much more than the initial falling in love, I believe that we would see many more successful relationships than we do now. Popular culture has greatly underrepresented this truth and it’s hurting us far more than we know.

I Cannot Hear What You Say (another version)

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

If you were to ask many individuals to define friendship, you would get a different answer from every person to whom you pose the question. Some answers will resemble others and some will be drastically different. It is in these similarities and differences that friendship is formed; friendship, at its most basic level, is the overlapping of two individuals’ definitions.

We all have a set of values and morals that we live by; some of us are more firmly rooted in these than others, but each person defines themselves in certain ways. Likewise, we define the world around us in a particular manner. These values and definitions become a part of us and though they are subject to change, the existence of personal principles remains constant. When our standards overlap with others’, we form the bonds that we call friendship. The more our ideals match up, the closer we become; as we grow and develop as people, our standards often change, and thus, so do our friendships. When the likeness between our values lessens, the friendship begins to disintegrate. In the same way, when our principles become more and more analogous, our friendship grows and becomes closer.

In each friendship, different values play varying roles of importance. However, there are three principles that must be present in order for a friendship to reach its full potential, for it to blossom and grow as it could. One is not more important than another – it is the proper balance of the three that makes a friendship coalesce. Loyalty and trust (which are so closely interwoven they count as one), honesty, and communication are these three values. Without these at the foundation of a friendship, it does not have the support necessary to stand on its own and persevere.

No matter how similar or well balanced these shared values are, it is our actions within a friendship that determine how successful it will be. Telling each other that we agree is not the same as actually agreeing. Our actions reinforce the statements we make. Saying is not the same as doing. Inherently, this is an obvious statement. But when it comes to the application of this truth, it is often overlooked.

In a practical sense, I learn a new card game much more quickly and with more ease when I'm given the cards and told to play, rather than when I’m read a set of rules. In painting and sculpture, I can sit and learn the theory behind them day in and day out and still not know how to paint a masterpiece. These instructions, these words, do help; I cannot make up any rules I like for the card game that I'm playing, I have to follow those that make the game what it is. My painting will be better, from a critical standpoint, if I know about balance and composition. In life, just as in card games or art, you cannot remain ignorant of the rules but refusing to follow them is just as bad.

I can tell my friend, "Sure, I will go to the game with you" until I am blue in the face, but if I do not go to the game with them, what are those words worth? What did they mean? What purpose did they serve but to mislead my friend into thinking I would accompany them? Those words were worthless. They meant nothing because I, in fact, did not go with them. My words were a lie. Perhaps not intentionally, but they were a lie nonetheless. It follows then, that the simple phrase "I love you" is worthless. It means absolutely nothing if it is not followed up upon. "I love you" is a lie.

That is, unless there are actions present that give the words truth. I washed your car for you, I kissed you, I called you just to chat, I made you hot cocoa for you when you were stressed, I took time out of my day to care for you. Suddenly, "I love you" means something now. It is clear that I do indeed love you because I have done all these things for you. I simply did not say it and walk away. My words now mean something. They have worth. They are truth.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." Our words, what we say, are far out-shadowed by the things that we do, the actions that we take. In friendships, as in all other aspects of life, it is imperative to follow through on your promises and say only that which you mean and intend to do.

Friendships are created and developed in very distinctive ways. But ultimately, those friendships that stand the test of time are rooted in loyalty, trust, honest, and communication and are between people who share similar moral codes. The final piece to an effective, engaged friendship is to take action and follow up on the things that you say. Even if all of these elements were in place, the friendship would not be without its bumps in the road. But who would want a relationship to be perfect?